Manual for eating the paella valenciana (among friends)

Published by Supertortuga on 2016-11-27

Remark from Supertortuga: this is my translation of a Whatsapp message (in Spanish), and which in a very amusing way describes the art of sharing a paella.

Those of you that likes the paella and would like to try to make one youself to enjoy among friends, check out my recipe of the Valencia paella.

Dear turtle friends! Do not think of eating paella as a war game!

Before you eat from the paella, you should know that:

  • The paella is like a box of portion sized pieces of cheese.
  • The participants are distributed around the paella in an equidistant pattern.
  • Every participant is assigned the "piece of cheese" in front of him. The official eating tool is a wooden of metal spoon.
  • If the participant would like to squeeze a lemon on top of the paella in his area, s/he would need the verbal authorization of the neighbour participants, and any splashing of the lemon on them should be avoided.
Supertortuga is a decent cook. This is an authentic paella being prepared before the game begins...

Supertortuga is a decent cook. This is an authentic paella being prepared before the game begins...

The game begins when the dominant male of the pack says "¡Vinga que es gela l'arròs!" (translated from Valenciano: "Come on, the rice is getting cold!")

  • If the paella is tasty, tye cook should be praised intermittebly between each two spoons of paella during the complete meal.
  • The contents on each sector is property of the participant of the sector. If any content within this zone is not to the liking of the participant, it should be delicatly deposited in the centre of the paella for the enjoyment of any other participant.
  • The pieces of meat should never be returned to the paella once they have been picked up, neither partly nor the bones.
  • If anyone invades the space of another participant without prior permision, he will be warned, and if it is repeated he will be told "eres un poc fill de puta" (translated from Valenciano: "You little bastard") and will have to pay the carajillos (coffee with Brandy, Rum or any other liqueur).
  • It is understood that if a participant abandons by placing the spoon on the border of the paella saying "Estic fart, ja no puc més!" (translated from Valenciano: "I'm fed up, I can't have anything more"), in the same moment his place is free to the occupied by another participant.
  • It is strictly prohibited to turn the paella in order to get access to any other are where rice still remains.
  • If the paella is not stable, then somebody should grab the handle to stabilize it. The participant(s) taking charge of this will receive praise from the others, who will do everyhting to make sure that the wine glass of the dedicated stabilizer is always full during the whole meal.
  • When iron is touched with the spoon, in the aftermaths of the game the Valencianos will get involved in the "Socarrat" challenge, which is a moment of glory with a high level of tension. The frenzy is so intense, that it appears a oil exploration. Those who do not take part of the feast better relax and wait for the dessert.
And the winner is... Whoever has had a pleasant meal!

The game finishes when the all prticipants withdraw o when there is nothing left in the paella, an indisputable sign that it was excellent or that the participants were very hungry.


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